Blood, sweat and fears... Part I

... when experiences change everything in a heartbeat and in the blink of an eye things are turned upside down (literally).

The tale of two comebacks and a season reboot, both before my (2018) season has actually got off the ground! An honest account of the last six months...

Sometimes life throws you a curved ball and occasionally that curved ball behaves more like a boomerang, in this case seemingly a boomerang on a bungee cord! For reasons I (legally) can't go into on here, and totally unrelated to cycling, my focus had to be elsewhere for most of the winter. All my energy and resolve was taken up dealing with the stress, pressure and worry of what was relentlessly going on. As this continued to build, training became one stressor too many - given cycling is as much my coping mechanism for the daily grind as it serves to satisfy my competitive instinct, this wasn't a decision taken lightly. However, knowing the plethora of reasons that exercise is good for both our physical and mental wellbeing 'mindful miles' were soon reinstated. In structured training terms this was realistically (delayed) 'base building'. However, at this point the thought of racing was one pressure too much. Those of you who know me, will appreciate that my attention to detail, commitment and relentless pursuit to be the best I can be drives my ambition and I knew deep down that I didn't have the reserves to fully commit to this at this time. As athletes we are generally our own biggest critics and when that sense of control disappears it is difficult to find the driving seat towards anything, let alone perfection.

However, as time went on and with no clear end-goal in sight for the off-bike challenges, I decided that I didn't want any regrets, I was going to try to harness these difficulties to spur me on. I was also lucky enough to have the (ever patient) backing of the Pro Vision Race Team and it's sponsors; I didn't want to let them down.  My goals had been to build on my 2017 season; my last before joining the vet ranks and officially feeling old! I could try to lower my expectations and see where I was fitness wise... I didn't need Training Peaks to tell me I wasn't at peak fitness but I wasn't at rock bottom either. Then there was also the small matter of 'Percy' the P3 having been warranty replaced by Cervelo. This little saga took the best part of four months to sort out.

All things considered, on a sunny Saturday morning in late April, I pulled on my TLI Champs jersey (the first time I've actually worn it since the podium last Summer), found a lovely cycle path right on the doorstep and mentally pressed the reset button. That evening I just made the entry deadline for the A19/10 TT - I may as well put a marker down to build on! I had conveniently parked the fact that I still didn't have a built TT bike at this point but I've never been averse to turning myself inside out on a road bike, so there was always plan B. This was the start of my 'comeback'.

A comeback that lasted less than 24 hours before coming to a screeching halt with an almighty bang.

I was hit by a car at around 07:20 the very next day, early on a fateful Sunday morning. One second I was pedalling around a roundabout, just 20 minutes into my ride, the next I am lying in the road following what I can only describe as a bone chilling crashing sound as a car struck me. I was immediately aware of the intense pain radiating from my left side, both my left arm, knee and hip were throbbing and I couldn't feel my hand. My neck was pretty sore and one look at my left shoulder told me that it was certainly deformed, likely dislocated! I couldn't see my bike but it wasn't at the top of my priority list just then (sorry Hetty).

Back on the ward after shoulder relocation

The next time I looked up there was a sea of faces looking down at me, reassuring me that the ambulance was on its way. Luckily for me some passers by had stopped, a driver had shielded me from further injury with his car and a fellow cyclist had also come to my assistance, someone had placed a blanket over me - much kindness was evident. A police traffic car arrived followed by a first responder with gas and air (definitely not what it is cracked up to be) and finally the ambulance with the strong stuff (morphine). The journey to New Cross Hospital, Wolverhampton, strapped on to a spinal board, felt never-ending. Every bump in the road, change of speed or direction was transmitted through my left side. Little did I know that this was nothing compared to the pain of trying to be placed in a position to enable the radiographer to assess the damage! The Resus team needed to know what they were treating and any more pain relief was on hold until they had a plan of action.

Blue circle = shattered fragments, green arrow = where humeral head should sit

Sparing you the gory details, I woke up later on having had my shoulder relocated and strapped to me, my wounds cleaned and repeatedly asking Paul where I was and what had happened. Anyone who has been sedated with Ketamine will know that it's not the most pleasant experience, quite why anyone would take this for 'fun' is definitely beyond me! Granted, you are totally unaware of what is going on around you but I found myself so far from reality that I wasn't actually sure whether I was still alive or not. Perhaps the best description I have is that of feeling like I was travelling around, like a cell, in a 3D version of my own blood vessels at the speed of light; except everything was blue rather than red. Trying to string words together was very difficult and faces and images looked very distorted - it definitely wasn't an experience that I'd want to repeat any time soon.

Anyway, my humeral head (the ball part of the ball and socket joint that form the shoulder complex) had partially shattered with the force that had dislocated it, so it was going to be a waiting game to see whether the bone fragments would start to heal themselves (I understand it's not possible to pin or plate this).

Very glad to be recovering back at home

After a pretty uncomfortable first few days without much sleep but feeling ever grateful that I hadn't sustained more significant injuries, it was review time with the Orthopaedic Consultant. More x-rays to assess whether my humeral head was still sitting where it had been relocated and to understand more about the damage sustained. Being pulled around by the radiography team for the second time in a few days was no less painful but needs must! It's a pretty open book when the Consultant says 'it's a very nasty injury... it's far too early to know how or whether the shattered section will heal...' Even in my still dazed/traumatised, sleep-deprived state I realised that I perhaps wasn't going to heal overnight.

Friends with flowers to the rescue!

So, it seems like there is a long road to recovery ahead. As is more often than not the case with any injury, but definitely such traumatic incidents, it's so much more than the sum of the physical ailments; arguably they are the easiest part. Given time bones will regenerate and muscles and tendons will heal. It is certainly not as cut and dry as 'just' a smashed shoulder, it's an ongoing battle of a multitude of things, especially with an entire left side that took quite a battering as well as significant abdominal swelling. Think of taking up martial arts, not being very adept at it and landing on the floor more times than you remained upright and you might be somewhere near! At least I will mend given time, which is more than can be said for Hetty (the bike), who unfortunately broke a little more than me on the impact and will need retiring, along with the majority of her parts - some of which were in a fairly abstract shape!

Until you can't do them you don't appreciate just how many incidental, small activities of daily living you do without them even registering. Getting dressed; not being able to move an arm in any direction makes getting into most clothes almost impossible! Washing and drying your hair, especially when it's long, is definitely some sort of feat of balance, endurance and patience. The latter of which is starting to run pretty thin, especially when getting anywhere near comfortable at night to attempt to sleep has proved nearer impossible than difficult. My memory has been far worse than normal, I know, you wouldn't think that's possible would you?! I'll be unable to drive for quite a while, so the total reliance on others for assistance is pretty heavy. Thankfully Paul has been more than patient and accommodating in being a taxi service to and fro the hospital and Physio and my parents did some 'daughter sitting' in the early days!! Thankfully my left hip settled after ten days or so and I can at least walk around, although my knee is still keen to point out that it didn't go unscathed in all of this and is currently a tender shade of purple and green!

Appreciating the small things

Despite the well meaning assurance of many that 'I'll bounce back in no time' we are all on a different personal journey and 2018 has started to feel like somewhat of an extended nightmare to date. Albeit a nightmare that I've been lucky enough to still be working my way through and that I'm certain can only get better!

Thanks to everyone for the support, many of you have gone the extra mile or fifty to help and it's very much appreciated x

To be cont'd in Part II...